I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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