plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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