Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
