So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
