Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You're like the curious george of whores
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
