I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
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