I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
