Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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