the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
