A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize