The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
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