I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
