Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
