I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I made him laugh his dick is mine
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
