dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
