is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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