Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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