I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
