I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
