I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers