there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor