Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
