When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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