fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
