I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
