I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
