Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.