Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
