I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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