So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
