wakey wakey hands off snakey
where am i from again
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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