just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
