No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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