Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
where am i from again
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
