It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
