Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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