she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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