Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
