I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
