Me. At least after what I've been through.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
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Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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