Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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