ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
