I'm laying in your front yard are you home
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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