Me too!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he had hair everywhere except his balls
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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