Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
