break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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