Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
