I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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