i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
