Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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