You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I need to calm my uterus...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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