On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
