I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
